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Tri-Lamb Material 69 % Nerd, 30% Geek, 52% Dork

For The Record: A Nerd is someone who is passionate about learning/being smart/academia. A Geek is someone who is passionate about some particular area or subject, often an obscure or difficult one. A Dork is someone who has difficulty with common social expectations/interactions. You scored better than half in Nerd and Dork, earning you the coveted title of: Tri-Lamb Material. The classic, "80's" nerd, you are what most people think of when they think "nerd," largely due to 80's movies like Revenge of the Nerds and TV shows like Head of the Class. You're exceptionally bright and smart, and partly because of that have never quite fit in with your peers or social groups. Perhaps you've realized, or will someday, that it is possible to retain all of the things that you like about being brilliant and still make peace with the social cliques around you. Or maybe you won't--it's really not necessary. As the brothers of Lambda Lambda Lambda discovered, you're fine just the way you are and can take pride in that. I mean, who wants to be like Ogre, right!? Congratulations! Also, you might want to check out some of my other tests if you're interested in any of the following: Buffy the Vampire Slayer Professional Wrestling Love & Sexuality America/Politics Thanks Again! -- THE NERD? GEEK? OR DORK? TEST

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 99% on nerdiness You scored higher than 99% on geekosity You scored higher than 99% on dork points

Link: The Nerd? Geek? or Dork? Test written by donathos on OkCupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

"momeeee, my song!" S is playing me her "song" a mishmash of piano and 2-year-old soprano. i wish I had the energy to go get the video camera out. I am soooo tired, she's been sick for going on 4 days now and I spend my nights proping her and suctioning snot. And I'm sure the coffee that I've been guzzling lately doesn't help.

It's mind-scrambling that a few months ago I had this man that wanted me, wanted our baby, kissed me every morning as he left, was so damn elated about "our baby". For the past year A has told me how much he wanted a baby, we talked about parenting constantly. I was so fucking in love with him, gaga really, I just couldn't see past the facade. I still had enough mushy brains to realize that it was way to soon to have a baby, we needed to get to know each other better, he needed to grow up. But fuck that, it happened anyway and I was thrilled. I wanted this little one so much. How could he do this??? How could he just give up on us, tell me I can "have" her. He can't handle a relationship, he doesn't want any responsibility. What the fuck? C and I move in here, rearrange our whole lives, she has to go through the struggles of a new place, a step-dad, a new baby. And now I have to tell her, "Sorry kid, I was wrong." I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do. I can barely work, this pregnancy has been a lot harder than C's. And I can't work when the baby is tiny. I never felt pain like this. I feel like the biggest fucking idiot in the world.

so last night I dream that my ex D is back, trying to win my heart, being all romantic and syrupy. He's saying all the things that A would never say, looking at me with those wet, hopeful eyes. But all I can think about is A, how I much I wanted him, with all of his fucked-up emotional baggage and caveman tendencies. Then D slowly started to metamorphosize into A, but into a weird not quite real version of him. It was like I was looking at a shell of him (which is how I feel now, anyway).
another dream...jeff buckley was laying naked (!) on the ground and the room was full of music, coming from some unknown place. He suddenly was lifted away by some hands coming from nowhere and the flaming lips began singing this eerily beautiful version of "Satisfied Mind". I was bummed to wake up and find out I couldn't download it.

Yesterday Rikki Rachman (sp?) came into my work, I helped him find a book about the devil. He was looking a little like the aged rocker, time has kind of kicked his ass. I wanted to thank him for headbanger's ball and everything, how it made things a little sweeter, my metal outlet. I even used to tape it. But I didn't say anything, oddly. I'm all about making statements lately. I just want to say things to people, I want raw honesty. I told this customer last week that he was extremely rude and I didn't appreciate being lashed out upon become he happened to be having a bad day. We got into this 30 minute debate and I was really getting into it until M "escorted" me away, thinking she was helping. But I was doing just fine, thank you. I told him that is I walked around verbally abusing everyone whenever I was cranky that I would be a very angry person.

Last night I went to A's house with the intentions to break up with him, or at least just have some kind of emotional breakthrough, in other words, a miracle. So I just poured it all out, probably for the third time this month. He was shockingly present and un-defensive. So this of course gave me hope and I did a complete turn-around. I knew the second I looked at him I would be a goner again. I am so p-whipped it's sickening.

calm...it's surreal how I can go from feeling so vulnerable and shattered to this. A few words can turn my world upside down and and then turn back where it should be. I want so bad to trust him again so I do, simple.

so confused...afraid to trust...heart overtakes mind...
c's bday is coming up, she'll be 4. i can't believe it, she's growing up so fast. yesterday at y's house i go up to the bedroom to tell c we have to leave and she's sitting cross-legged on the bed flipping the remote "gossiping" with her best friend. she goes, "MOM, we're having a slumber party!" in a totally annoyed voice. i have a 3-foot tall teenager.

Been up for 4 hours and haven't shed a tear, the waterworks are drying up, and I can finally breathe. Listening to Margaret Cho profess the joys of fisting and all seems right in the world for the moment. I talked to A for 4 1/2 hours last night, he called ME, god damn. It was, how do you say, enlightening? When we talk now, it's just so light, so relaxed, like we really get each other. I told him about the pain, the love that has no wear to go, the feeling of betrayal, what I dream, the inability to let go of that vision of what could have been. God, that sounds cheesy. I don't know, nothings really changed, he's really in another place now. He's all or nothing, always been that way. I have this hope, though, don't know if that's pathetic or what but it's

I have to repeat it like a mantra thousands of times a day, "Don't call, don't call, don't call..." A is consuming me these days every breath, every thought, every time I swallow I feel it. I probably sweat him out when I sleep. Just to hear his voice would be like a fix. It was such a mistake to go over there on Sat. I was doing okay, crying a lot but pretty comfortable with me, there was no self-hatred, yet. After seeing him all I wanted to do was just jump on top of him and start making out madly. I am still so in love with him it's sickening. And he just seemed so light, so happy, like he hadn't just absolutely destroyed me. Like he hadn't just lost the person he supposedly wanted to spend the rest of his life with. If he'd only let me in on the secret, the ability to completely forget love, shut off your feelings like an on/off switch. I feel so pathetic, blech. I want to just throw myself at him and profess my undying love but I won't, I won't, I won't. Maybe if I say it enough it will be true.

I started reading this book yesterday, basically it deals with death, as in cadavers, decay, and science experiments. It's absolutely gruesome and gut wrenching and it makes me sick. So of course I can't put it down. Now not only do I have to deal with my terrifying fear of death but I have to worry about the inevitable reality of decay and all the unspeakable things that happen after. But of course I love to hate that stuff. This day is just going to be pain, I can feel it. C just walked out of our room with lipstick smeared all over her face. Of course she had to ruin the ONLY lipstick I wear and actually like. I mean, I hardly wear makeup so I don't really care but damn, can't anything just go right these days. 2 weeks ago I was feeling so good and now I can barely breathe.

I'd be eternally grateful if I could find a cure-all in an anti-love pill. It could be pink, shaped like a heart (maybe with a little dagger in it) and magically cure those pesky love symptoms. These past 6 months I let love in, reveled in it, sat up at night worrying about it, cherished it and let the pain waves roll. I have always been so shut off, so unemotional, even "cold" some would say but this time I really let it take hold of me. I had a eureka! moment and thought I had discovered the key to happiness, unlocking your feelings, letting go of your fears, etc. And what do I get in return? Abandonment, betrayal, disillusionment, a regular "Let's just be friends." I don't want to be friends dammit, I want to F**k! I want emotion! I want the extreme highs and maybe even some of the lows. What a wuss. He wants to "concentrate on his goals". Like he wasn't doing that already? I would never stand in his way. I really, really love him, like in a Titanic, no you take the life boat way. Seriously. Which is why I need the anti-love pill. It would be so much easier if I could just be angry and hurt and be like, well I didn't need the loser anyway. I've felt so confident and sure of myself. I've never thought so clearly, it used to be like a bunch of angry voices just screaming at me. I have never been so hopeful of the future, hell I never even believed I HAD a future. I refuse to lose that. I almost wish he would do something hellish so I could just hate him. But not really. I kinda want to tell his dirty secrets but I won't.
Lately I've been listening to a lot of music to help me forget. For some reason Elton John has been by soundtrack. "Your Song" rocks.

How could I not see??? I was duped by my political boy. I swooned over his protensity for protests, vegetarianism and anti-globalization stance. I thought it was absolutely amazing that he was a devoted father and actually did research about alternative parenting. He even wanted to homeschool. He wouldn't buy new clothes because of sweatshops. He was passionate, opinionated, sexy. But, alas, he was an asshole. He was controlling, unforgiving, and stubborn. He always tried to find everything wrong with me instead of finding everything right. He never really broke down his walls. I love him more than anything (except C, of course). And he's gone, another chickenshit. How can I ever trust love again? I have never been so sure of anything before, I have never been so willing to give myself to someone, completely. I would have supported him through anything, he dumped me at the first sign of emotional vulnerabilty. Plase tell me that there are guys out there that actually give a damn about the world but can also treat a partner right? Please? I'll get over this but it will be damn hard. I have never loved anyone like this and it hurts, dammit! I want to call him so bad, but I won't, I won't, I won't!! Maybe if I say that enough it will actually come true...

And I know now

I can love fully and completely
I will fight for myself and be heard, dammit
I can bite my tonue but only when I deem necessary
I live with purpost
I am not angry
Doubting love hurts like nothing else
I forgive every little creep that ever attempted to overpower me
Yet I wonder if they will ever leave me
Love is worth fighting for
Emotions are human
C is the most wonderous child the earth has known
I want to learn everything
I can be responsible
The heartbreak diet really works

I will be fine

I am bound to a totally self-centered, tyrannical maniac who cannot see beyond his enormous ego. When he is wrong he is so wrong it hurts. But I love him. And I am pure drama sometimes. I just want to cry. Am I wrong in thinking to shh someone is just simply rude? Should I care?